Having said that I have a pretty good knee-jerk reaction to these kinds of workouts; my mind immediately remembers the workouts I’ve failed to complete in the past (yes, there have been a few). There is this less-than-fantastic feeling of inadequacy and utter failure that comes with these memories. KBW has called me on this before, that I base my worth on the success or failure of a workout.
If I’m completely honest it bothered me when she made the comment. It’s unsettling to have someone get inside your head and poke around at issues you, for one reason or another, chose to ignore. I did what I always do and laughed it off publicly, but privately it was digging at me. Which begs the question…why is it digging at me? Well the obvious answer is because she’s right. I base my worth on success in just about everything. So when I’m presented with a challenge I feel I cannot overcome I immediately get upset with myself, mentally beat the hell out of myself and generally feel like a worthless piece of crap. This doesn’t even have to be directly tied to a failure; it can be something as simple as not seeing the progress I feel I should be making.
I am guilty of many stupid things (we all are) but this needs to rank somewhere close to the top of the list. I actually berate myself for potentially failing a workout I haven’t even tried yet! Yup, I am an idiot!
So while one might have expected my goal for the week to be to complete the workouts and thereby avoid the worthless feeling that comes with failure, my goal actually has nothing to do with the workouts themselves. The goal was to simply believe that was I was capable of trying my best each day, focus on what I accomplished in each workout rather than worry about what I might not.
By the end of the week I had some of the best workouts yet. I had some really good swims, some great rides and I even decided to try a 5k (more on that later). I’d love to say the week was perfect, but I did hit a major speed bump on Tuesday that resulted in a full blown, self-hating, meltdown. MK took the brunt of my self-hatred when I sent her a text that said something like “I hate everything about me today” it was a really bad day, but I managed to keep it from becoming a bad week, that in itself was a victory.