You will have, out loud, arguments with yourself at the ass-crack
of dawn. In order to allow yourself an extra 15 minutes of sleep you will try to convince yourself that you can accomplish amazing feats of strength and speed. “I can do 50 sit-up, 100 jumping jack and 60 lunges and 900 squats in under 5 minutes”, “I’m supposed to press 50# 4 times, I’ll just press 200# once, that’s the same thing right?”, “Today I will channel my inner-fish and swim 25 laps in under 6 minutes”
Once you have completed the argument with yourself (which by default you cannot win, nor lose I suppose) you will drag yourself to a gym full of people who stare at you like you’re clearly in the wrong place. You will be surrounded by people who collectively have less body fat than you do. I swear one of these days I’m gonna walk in eating a doughnut or a slice of pizza just to watch these health nuts pass out on the treadmill they are leisurely using at a 3 minute mile pace and an incline of 21!
Next you will force your unwilling mind and body to do all manner of contortions in the name of fitness and wellbeing. How “well” is it if my “being” cannot stand up later? You will not only question your sanity, but the sanity of your trainer (love ya KB), “seriously? She wants me to do how many of these God awful, tortuous things?” “Is she on crack?” But the butt kicker is…YOU DO THEM!
After the self-inflicted torture has ended you head off to your life. You shuffle around like you’re 110 years old, you wince going up and down stairs, you cry a little if you drop something and have to pick it up, all the while telling your coworkers just how great this all is! And as a treat to yourself you have what can only be described as dietary bliss…a handful of carrots! (Wait, what?)
Your afternoons go by pretty quickly; time always flies when you’re asleep. Your friends want to go out for a drink, have they lost their minds? Do they have any idea how many calories are in beer? Besides, you have to get home and get to bed at 7:30pm so you can get enough sleep to do it all over again tomorrow!!